Tell me about the procedure for a brazilian...

Pretty simple. For women, I apply a soft wax, followed with muslin fabric and I yank. Repeat 'til all the hair is removed and you're ready to show off my work.

For men, when it comes to most of your body parts, I use the same soft wax. But when it comes to your testicles, I use a hard wax which means I apply the wax to your testicles, and when the wax cools, I peel it off rather than yank. More gentle for your skin but the pain is slow. So. Much. Fun.

What?!?! Did you just say you wax testicles? Like, Male Testicles???

Is there any other kind? Yes, I offer manzilians which is the removal of hair from your penis, testicles, bum cheeks and crack.

That sounds awful! How much does it hurt?

Not bad, actually. Only vaguely soul-crushing.

Are you serious?

As serious as a sucking chest wound.

Do you offer anesthesia?

Nope. There are plenty of over the counter options and some high octane, next level pharmaceuticals you can score if you know a guy named Snake. Who has a face tattoo. But most of my clients come sober (or so they say.....)

I'm a dude. A real dude. I eat lumber for breakfast, light my cigars with thunder and once punched a grizzly bear unconscious; I doubt removing hair will hurt me... But my chest hair has roots the size of turnips and is thicker than most men, what if I decide to stop the session early?

When you make an appointment with me, you are committing to the pain. If you stop because the pain is too intense, you are still financially responsible for the entire appointment whether or not we complete the service because I had to allot the proper amount of time based on your request.

And seriously, you're a dude who can't handle pain? Too much for you to take? If you really have trepidations about pain, you should not seek the assistance of a waxer. You should find someone more kind and soft, understanding with a delicate touch. Like the Easter Bunny. Maybe you can get her to wax your vagina too. Oh snap!

BUT I READ YOUR REVIEWS ON YELP AND THEY SAID YOU DON'T HURT!

Yes yes, further reviews say the moon orbits around me, I have no need for potholders and I can split an atom with a joke. But truth is, I am only human and although my talents are many, I cannot make waxing not painful just as I am unable to unscramble scrambled eggs.

I'm a dude. The thought of getting naked in front of a girl I don't know freaks me out and I'm afraid I will involuntarily get excited. What happens then?

It's a natural reaction. That said, after I rip off the first strip, there's no way your "excitement" will last. Still, I strongly urge you not to be a freak and do anything to prolong your excitement. Should you not heed my warning, I will TEAR. YOU. APART. This is a professional service with the sole purpose of removing hair. If you are here for any other reason, I will not only remove your hair, I shall remove skin, limbs, and any pride or self-respect you pretend to have. Tool.

Holy Crap! I get it! I promise to behave!!! But tell me this, if it hurts, why the hell would people get waxed?

Because (1) they're bored (2) we are no longer in the 70s and like VCRs and Atari, the pursuit of being hirsute ain't making a comeback. Plus it's low in calories and gluten free!

Okay fine. How long does the hair need to be in order to be waxed? I just shaved a week ago.

Hair must be AT LEAST half inch long for effective removal which means no waxing or shaving for the past four weeks. If you've shaved within four weeks, I guarantee you will experience all of the waxing pain, pay full price and still be left with a ton of stragglers. If money isn't important to you and you want to make it rain, feel free to ignore my warning and schedule an appointment. But if you later email me and rant that you didn't get a clean wax even though you knew I had asked for 4 weeks of growth and you only had 3, I will unleash verbal shock and awe on you because Dummy, seriously, if you can't read, how'd you get your GED?

What should I do right after my waxing?

(1) Pay me. I'm an immigrant but I don't work for free. (2) After you leave my wax studio, you will return to whatever it is you normally do (i.e. billionaire playboy by day, justice seeking vigilante by night). I would suggest taking a cold to lukewarm shower as soon as you can to rinse off residual oil and wax and to close your pores. You will also want to get your hands on an acne cream (i.e. OXY 10 or Clearasil) because you may or may not break out. Breaking out with pimples or ingrown hairs is pretty much genetically predetermined - either you will or you won't. But rest assured, everyone gets a handful of annoying little ingrowns - those bastards! Whether you get more or less depends on your DNA. Knowledge is power. You're welcome.

Why acne medication and not specific anti-ingrown lotion?

You can purchase either. Ingrowns are the exact concept as pimples - both are just clogged pores so ingrown lotions have the same ingredients as acne creams (i.e. salycylic acid, glycolic acid, benzoyl peroxide, etc.,) except ingrown lotions are usually $30 or more and acne creams are $5 a tube.

The trick is to find the formula that is compatible with your body chemistry. What works for me, for example, won't necessarily work for you. Then again, everything works for me because I know where all the missing socks go. What can I say? I can hear Braille and when the world gives me lemons, I rock it with salt and Don Julio 1942. So that was an unhelpful illustration. My bad.

What should I NOT do immediately after waxing?

Anything that will cause you to sweat or get dirt or oil in your pores for 24 hours (i.e. sexing, working on your fitness, hot tubbing, taking a 2000 mile donkey ride, etc.). Unless you like boils and think acne rashes are hot — then who am I to judge?? Stand tall, Renegade Man!

I heard you don't take tips. Why?

Because fair is fair and what I quote you should be all that you are responsible for. And I believe tipping destroys my good luck mojo and I'm all about karma because people, really, at the end of the day, I do it for the children.

I looked at your price list and noticed it doesn't include full legs, arms or brows. Why?

I suck at waxing brows and after years of waxing, I've developed a repetitive stress injury with my right shoulder that prevents me from waxing arms or legs as the curvature of those body parts exacerbates the injury.

And sorry Bro but I shall not compromise my health for you, just this one time. I realize you will now have to roll up your JCrew sleeve and go elsewhere. Woe is me, oh, woe is me.

I'm almost convinced. Do you have testimonials from past clients?

Why yes I do! I have testimonials! Get that? I'm so cool, I come with testimonials! That's the metage of my awesomeness!

"Thanks for not raping my balls with concrete like my previous waxer" (D.H. Age 37)

"Holy shit you're fast!" (E.N. Age 25)

"Just wanted to let you know, the wife loved it. So I guess I'm now a regular. Damn you" (J.S. Age 58)

"I don't want to talk to you right now." (K.S. Age 23)

"You have spinach in your teeth." (C.V. Age 44) (Actually, it was kale)

"The session was too fast. Can you pull slower to prolong the pain?" (No one ever)

Okay, those testimonials sound legit. How do I make an appointment?

For SAME DAY appointments, text me at 408.805.4929

For FUTURE appointments, email me at info@teddbare.com

Keep in mind, that if you text me after hours, I won't respond til the next day because as much as I enjoy receiving messages, if you send me a text at 2AM, I will hunt you down, key your car and run away.

Also I'm a busy girl but if you email me one week prior to when you'd like to come in, you usually get your first choice. I rarely have same day availabilities but it doesn't hurt to text and ask. Will you be the lucky person? Get it, girl!